Grief and Pet loss - A Veterinarian's Perspective

 

I remember the first time that I saw a euthanasia.  I was 14 years old and had just started my Highschool Co-op.  I cried my eyes out.  The emotion was overwhelming.  It was so quick.  I did not grow up in a hunting or farming family.  I had not been around a lot of death at that point, either with humans or animals.  I had lost pets but had never been present during the procedure.  It was devastating to watch these people struggle with their decision and experience such raw emotional heartbreak in the presence of strangers.  Did it deter me from veterinary medicine?  Absolutely not.  Did I learn to compartmentalize so that I did not feel that raw emotion during the 1000's of euthanasias I was present for and then had to perform?  Absolutely not.  Many veterinarians can.  It is a protective adaptation.  It does not mean that they don't feel sad.  It just means that they have the ability to put that aside and do their job....for the patient and their family.  In fact as I got older, I found it more difficult.  I empathized with those clients.  I saw my own children and the devastation I knew they would face one day.  I saw myself and the pets that had been in my life and were now gone.  And I saw my furry family members that I knew someday would bring me to have to make the same decision and go through the same situation these people were in.  

There are five stages of grief regardless of whether we are talking about losing humans or pets.  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  Each individual goes through these stages at very different paces, and sometimes will bounce between them.  Grief is well accepted in human loss, but with regards to animals there is often a lack of understanding.  Similar to when owners are judged for spending money on their animal's care, comments like "its just a cat/dog" often get thrown at them.  But the emotions that are experienced after the loss of a pet are real and the stages of grief are as well.  There is also another compounding stage or emotion with pet loss.....Guilt .  The decision to proceed with euthanasia is the hardest decision you need to make as a pet owner.  Even when you know you are doing the right thing, the guilt afterwards can be crippling.  When we started the Pet Loss Support Hotline at the Ontario Veterinary College, I remember feeling astonished at the stories that these owners would share.  Often these individuals needed to hear that someone else understood.  That what they were feeling was valid.  And often they needed someone to say it was the right decision.

As a veterinarian, the one thing we want to do is fix these animals.  We want to make them better. None of us want to euthanize an animal if there is something we can do to help them.  We think of our patients all the time, at work, at home, when we are falling asleep at night.  It may not always come across in conversations, but know that your vet DOES care.  It is why they got into this business.  They know they could have had triple the income working in human medicine but they CHOSE this.  OK, that aside....  when we have to make the decision to euthanize our own animals the feelings of guilt and "could I have done more" are exacerbated.  I have never been good at making sound medical decisions on my own when it comes to my fur children.  I always call in a colleague to make sure emotion is not interfering with my decision to do the very best for my animals.  There have been times where the guilt was because I felt I should have let them go sooner.  Then the questions of whether there was something I was missing that if I had tried, it would have ended in a different outcome. .When it is our own pet, emotion clouds our judgement and the decision that seemed so black and white becomes a constant shade of grey.  

New Years Day I had to make a decision.  We found my cat in the crawlspace paralyzed in his hind end.  He had been fine hours before.  He was having trouble breathing and I could hear fluid in his lungs.  In my HEAD I knew what was happening......a saddle thrombus (stroke) secondary to hypertension and cardiac disease that he had been asymptomatic for.  Poor to grave prognosis even with treatment and likely reoccurance even if we could stabilize him.  My HEART said get the fluid off, treat his heart, treat his pain, start rehab and acupuncture.  The suddenness of these circumstances make these decisions that more difficult even when we have the medical knowledge about what is happening.  Dr. Lisa Schwarz at Burlington Veterinary Emergency Hospital, and Dr. Dalia Gough from Grimsby Animal Hospital were my sense of calm, rationale, and reason.  Both would support me either way.  But both reiterated what I already knew.  I had to let him go.  He was 7 years old.

I clearly remember when him.....the staff had found him running around the streets of Ancaster.  The staff wanted me to take him and I was adamant I was not really a cat person.  I liked them (I AM a vet)... but my preference was to own dogs.  It took less than a day for this wee muffin to change my mind.  He became MY cat.  Best friend to the dog.  My chatty side kick who responded to his name and talked to me all day long.  He was not just a cat....he was part dog (truthfully I think he thought he was one!!!!)  He preferred to go out to the dog run in the morning with the dog instead of use his litter box.  He loved snuggles, although brief lol, in the morning before I started my day and would yell at me until he got a couple minutes of my time.  He was different from any cat I have ever known.  

The guilt is slowly subsiding. I never really hit the angry stage.  I don't think I really had time to work through or experience the other stages.  As any of you who have gone through it know....its this episodic feeling of gut wrenching aching sadness and loss that I know will lessen over time....

Grief in veterinary medicine is real....for both the clients and for the veterinarians. It is OK and it is normal.  There is no book that says how it will be for each scenario and each person.  How I grieve Storm is different from how I have grieved other pets.  Just know that we understand.....from the bottom of our hearts 💓💔.  Remember to be kind....remember to listen....sometimes that is all that is needed.